From the beginning – Part 1

‘In a world full of confusion, let the universe guide you’

Me at age 4

I was born into this world 54 years ago, and from the beginning life wasn’t going to be straight forward. I was born in Limerick, Ireland, in the mid sixties, at 3 months old I got very ill with meningitis, and should have died but somehow I didn’t, I recovered with no lasting complications.

I remember being aware of the world from the age of 4, I was a talker, I just loved to chat to people. Apparently I would take myself off for a walk on my own, let myself out of the house and go around to the local shops, my mother would realise I wasn’t in the house, and would have to go looking for me, she would find me in the local butchers or some other such shop, and there I would be, totally oblivious to the trouble and anguish I was causing her. I would be chatting and laughing, I was a communicator, who just wanted to communicate with everyone.

As an extremely sensitive child, I always wanted everyone to be happy, I knew that love was all that mattered, I loved animals and nature, I had my first pet at 4 years old, a guinea pig called Snowy. I had taken myself off on one of my walks, and ended up in the local hardware shop, they were selling guinea pigs, so I picked one and told the shopkeeper I would be back for him later (Snowy) with my Dad. So off home I went, and asked my Dad if I could have the guinea pig. he said ‘yes’, and off we went and brought Snowy home. I think it is fair to say I was a very determined and stubborn child, I was very aware of myself and I knew what I wanted.

Being so sensitive I would feel everything, I would look at my surroundings and be confused, something wasn’t right, I didn’t feel I belonged, I didn’t fit in. As a child I spent so much time just walking by myself, trying to work it out, I didn’t know what I was trying to work out, just that I was trying to make sense of it all, when none of it made sense to me. I spent long periods of time on my own, just thinking, and being with my guinea pig Snowy, I poured my love into him, he made sense to me, he was always happy to see me, probably because he knew I had carrots for him, and I would scratch him under his chin, which he loved.

In my garden there was a swing that my Dad had made, and I would spend hours swinging on it looking up at the sky, being amazed at the wonder of it. We had a shed at the bottom of the garden, which housed my pets, which now consisted of Snowy and two pet rabbits. I was very blessed that I was able to have so many pets to love from an early age, they taught me so many lessons about love, kindness and compassion. I also didn’t realise it then, but they were teaching me about being a healer, and a nurturer.

As I got older and went to school, I had no idea, what I was, what I was here to do. Life at times was lonely, confusing and painful, I felt I didn’t belong anywhere, I didn’t fit in, I was an outsider, and I didn’t know why. I found it very difficult to relate to people my own age, I saw and felt life very differently than they did. I was still this chatty young girl, and would spend some of my time talking with others, but it was painfully obvious that most people didn’t understand me, so I would spend vast amounts of time on my own, walking, reading, looking after my pets or staring out of the window daydreaming. I actually came to love those times being alone, just me and my thoughts, always thinking about stuff, trying to work it out.

I was in secondary school when I became aware that I found it extremely difficult to be around large numbers of people. We would have big school assemblies about once or twice a week, where every class would assemble in the school hall, which also doubled as the dining hall. I would be riddled with anxiety at the prospect of having to go into that hall with all those other students. Of course at the time I didn’t realise that what I was experiencing was everyone’s energy. I was an Empath and I was simply absorbing all that energy. I remember the first day that I had to go to the dining hall for lunch. At the entrance of the dining hall were steps that led down into the hall, I stood at the top of them looking down into the dining hall at all the students, it was place of noisy activity, lots of chatter and plate banging. I was rooted to the spot and couldn’t move, I knew I couldn’t go in there everyday for lunch, so I decided that from now on I would go home for lunch.

My house was a fifteen minute walk away from the school, so at lunchtime I would walk home, have some lunch and a cup of tea, then walk back to school in time for afternoon lessons. Being able to go home for lunch became my saviour, I relished those times, I felt free, I was alone with just me and my thoughts. As soon as the lunchtime bell rang, I would feel this rush of excitement to get outside and into the fresh air and away from everyone and the noise. In many ways I was a bit of a contradiction, because on the one hand I was a great communicator always chatting and laughing, but on the other hand I needed to be alone, I was a loner, a free spirit, and I was different. I had friends at school, but I wasn’t attached to any one group or person, I was friends with everyone, but such was my need to be alone, my friendships were very much surface level.

I have very fond memories of school, but I wasn’t interested in exams and such, I enjoyed the lessons especially if they involved class discussions. I spent a lot of my time in class looking out of the window and daydreaming, always looking at the clock on the wall, counting down to lunchtime or home time, when I knew I would be free and I would be able to get outside into the fresh air. I wasn’t a conformist, I was a freethinking, free spirited girl. I always questioned why I was at school, what was the point of me being there everyday, was any of the stuff they were teaching me useful, I had no intention of staying on at school, so I left at 16, after taking my exams, well I took most of them, my last two exams to be sat were in Commerce, but on the afternoon of the exams I was sat in my friends house drinking tea and eating biscuits. I so grateful to be finally free at last, but what I was to do with my life post 16 I had no idea………….

4 thoughts on “From the beginning – Part 1

  1. Terrific first article, Eileen! I was thinking that maybe one cost of being a free thinker is that it can make us feel like outsiders, because conformity, for conformity’s sake, can leave us cold.

    As soon as we start to stare up in wonderment at the sky the scope and possibilities of life seem endless. We see that there’s just so much more to the world. The last thing we want to do is confine ourselves to the prison of conformity; and to other people’s thoughts and habits, which come in all sorts of weird shapes and sizes, and which come and go like the clouds in the sky.

    So, I say it’s better to be free like the sky, which forms the clouds, than to merely imitate the clouds, set against the backdrop of the sky 🙂.

    Looking forward to the next instalment!

    Liked by 1 person

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