‘In a world full of confusion, let the universe guide you’
I was born into this world 54 years ago, and from the beginning life wasn’t going to be straight forward. I was born in Limerick, Ireland, in the mid sixties, at 3 months old I got very ill with meningitis, and should have died but somehow I didn’t, I recovered with no lasting complications.
I remember being aware of the world from the age of 4, I was a talker, I just loved to chat to people. Apparently I would take myself off for a walk on my own, let myself out of the house and go around to the local shops, my mother would realise I wasn’t in the house, and would have to go looking for me, she would find me in the local butchers or some other such shop, and there I would be, totally oblivious to the trouble and anguish I was causing her. I would be chatting and laughing, I was a communicator, who just wanted to communicate with everyone.
As an extremely sensitive child, I always wanted everyone to be happy, I knew that love was all that mattered, I loved animals and nature, I had my first pet at 4 years old, a guinea pig called Snowy. I had taken myself off on one of my walks, and ended up in the local hardware shop, they were selling guinea pigs, so I picked one and told the shopkeeper I would be back for him later (Snowy) with my Dad. So off home I went, and asked my Dad if I could have the guinea pig. he said ‘yes’, and off we went and brought Snowy home. I think it is fair to say I was a very determined and stubborn child, I was very aware of myself and I knew what I wanted.
Being so sensitive I would feel everything, I would look at my surroundings and be confused, something wasn’t right, I didn’t feel I belonged, I didn’t fit in. As a child I spent so much time just walking by myself, trying to work it out, I didn’t know what I was trying to work out, just that I was trying to make sense of it all, when none of it made sense to me. I spent long periods of time on my own, just thinking, and being with my guinea pig Snowy, I poured my love into him, he made sense to me, he was always happy to see me, probably because he knew I had carrots for him, and I would scratch him under his chin, which he loved.
In my garden there was a swing that my Dad had made, and I would spend hours swinging on it looking up at the sky, being amazed at the wonder of it. We had a shed at the bottom of the garden, which housed my pets, which now consisted of Snowy and two pet rabbits. I was very blessed that I was able to have so many pets to love from an early age, they taught me so many lessons about love, kindness and compassion. I also didn’t realise it then, but they were teaching me about being a healer, and a nurturer.
As I got older and went to school, I had no idea, what I was, what I was here to do. Life at times was lonely, confusing and painful, I felt I didn’t belong anywhere, I didn’t fit in, I was an outsider, and I didn’t know why. I found it very difficult to relate to people my own age, I saw and felt life very differently than they did. I was still this chatty young girl, and would spend some of my time talking with others, but it was painfully obvious that most people didn’t understand me, so I would spend vast amounts of time on my own, walking, reading, looking after my pets or staring out of the window daydreaming. I actually came to love those times being alone, just me and my thoughts, always thinking about stuff, trying to work it out.
I was in secondary school when I became aware that I found it extremely difficult to be around large numbers of people. We would have big school assemblies about once or twice a week, where every class would assemble in the school hall, which also doubled as the dining hall. I would be riddled with anxiety at the prospect of having to go into that hall with all those other students. Of course at the time I didn’t realise that what I was experiencing was everyone’s energy. I was an Empath and I was simply absorbing all that energy. I remember the first day that I had to go to the dining hall for lunch. At the entrance of the dining hall were steps that led down into the hall, I stood at the top of them looking down into the dining hall at all the students, it was place of noisy activity, lots of chatter and plate banging. I was rooted to the spot and couldn’t move, I knew I couldn’t go in there everyday for lunch, so I decided that from now on I would go home for lunch.
My house was a fifteen minute walk away from the school, so at lunchtime I would walk home, have some lunch and a cup of tea, then walk back to school in time for afternoon lessons. Being able to go home for lunch became my saviour, I relished those times, I felt free, I was alone with just me and my thoughts. As soon as the lunchtime bell rang, I would feel this rush of excitement to get outside and into the fresh air and away from everyone and the noise. In many ways I was a bit of a contradiction, because on the one hand I was a great communicator always chatting and laughing, but on the other hand I needed to be alone, I was a loner, a free spirit, and I was different. I had friends at school, but I wasn’t attached to any one group or person, I was friends with everyone, but such was my need to be alone, my friendships were very much surface level.
I have very fond memories of school, but I wasn’t interested in exams and such, I enjoyed the lessons especially if they involved class discussions. I spent a lot of my time in class looking out of the window and daydreaming, always looking at the clock on the wall, counting down to lunchtime or home time, when I knew I would be free and I would be able to get outside into the fresh air. I wasn’t a conformist, I was a freethinking, free spirited girl. I always questioned why I was at school, what was the point of me being there everyday, was any of the stuff they were teaching me useful, I had no intention of staying on at school, so I left at 16, after taking my exams, well I took most of them, my last two exams to be sat were in Commerce, but on the afternoon of the exams I was sat in my friends house drinking tea and eating biscuits. I so grateful to be finally free at last, but what I was to do with my life post 16 I had no idea………….